Quantify.?..Define?

I feel silly...to have doubted you....to make silly assumptions about being friends....to even begin imagining moving on without you right beside me.....it was such an amateur way of thought ....

One main reason being I felt so insecure these few days...and today when I went out somewhere....everytime i entered the car...this song was always aired on the radio....the song by kelly clarkson 'already gone'....the immediately changed to channel to avoid hearing the lyrics...on my way home..that particular channel played that song yet again...haih....it was like i was at the wrong place at the wrong time...

Never mind that...

I am grateful that youre still even talking to me though the texts were extremely short and somewhat uninteresting.....I am truly relieved at least know that you would reply....do you know....how much I would die to hear my handphone beep today?...just to receive your msg?...the contents of the text aside...I would do anything just to hear it beep....and everytime it beeped....when i looked at the inbox...how my heart sank everytime it was from a different person...i only wished it were your msg.....to see your name appear in front of my eyes would provide me with temporary relief for the next few minutes...

Your sister told me that your parents were asking her about us....she told me that they were suspicious on whats going on between the both of us....they even mentioned the words which i so dread....how they found out about the situation..i never knew....but i guess it must have such an impact on the both of us until your parents of all people know about it...

I went to play futsal today with the KK gang today and chris and SL....to take my mind off things...people ask me if Im alright on facebook....I am so thankful for their concern...but the fact was that I had to go through with this together with you...they could not understand fully what transpired.....though they really did talk to me....it couldnt relieve me at all from the reality of pain...

I know that you do not see the love in me...and that you do not feel it...but I know deep down...you KNOW.... about the feelings I have for you...and that they are true....you know me more than anyone else to agree with me on this...

No more excuses about expressing it my way....no more about being pathetic...whimpering in front of you...expecting remorse...like I have said before....we both cannot define affection completely and how we express it...it has to be from our instincts...there is no definite answer.....affection is not equal -inserts definition-.....affection must be felt....for it to become meaningful....

I shall not go on about the principles of hugging or affection etc...the paragraph explains it all that there are no rules....no principles....its how we do it that counts...how we express our affection....I have been doing a very theoretical approach...more like a step by step process....which is mere bullshit actually....we cannot quantify these....

My heart melted when I saw that I am 'these people'...and that my name has not been struck off the list on your blog...it gave me hope...I am sorry for doubting this at all...


So...right now..I shall not tell you that I will be a better person....or that I will change...that is just corny....and we dont keep this kind of promises anyway...

What I will tell you right now is that...let me discover myself...and that when the time is right...somehow or rather....I know that I can take everything into consideration and apply the true meaning of affection and love...not the step by step basis...but an integration of everything natural to a human being....

I know myself..in my heart,mind and soul....that the feelings are still there...and will always be there for eternity...i cannot describe them but you know what I mean...I just havto buck up...and do what is right....I hope you would ....get what I meant in this post...I sincerely hope that you would see 'it' in me and I hope that I can express 'it' to you....not theoretically but by my own instincts...

You do not see 'it'...neither do you feel 'it'..but you and I both know that it' is still strong and is not about to be extinguished...








I had happy dreams about you these past 2 nights...I was so happy in them....when I woke up....I felt like someone has dropped me back to reality...how I wished I didnt wake up at all ....to experience the dream...you were smiling....I think I cried in my dreams...I cant really remember...but perhaps I did...





You have always been there.....I need to pick myself out from this messy grubble and hope to put the pieces back together....until then....



Thank you so much for having the patience to read....good night....


I hope Im not missing the point....



TJ...

Reality

Who am I kidding...last night..I said that we are better off just as friends...just before bed. I really thought us being able to do things that we love to do...without much restraint...and I managed to live with that...for a mere half an hour...you went to bed already by that time...I stayed up....after receiving that final message....inspite of that...i blogged...saying that yes...we should just be normal friends...

In my room...tears flowed freely....from the corners of my eyes...onto my pillow..I cuddled my bolster tightly...looking at the time...and the picture sitting right next to it...I almost wanted to open up the closet containing all the memories...but I refrained...I looked up at the ceiling ,staring at the fan above the bed...my vision was clouded by the tears..thinking of being just friends...

I cried myself to sleep...I didnt even know what happened until I awoke the next morning...I had a dream when i went to sleep...like you said..we dont remember most of them...but it definitely involved you inside it...and i swear it was quite a good dream...I opened my eyes and saw the sunshine...Back to reality...

I got up...feeling really lethargic and reluctant to as well...I tried to go through today with this new life...somehow..all the memories always fill my mind...

While at work, I was kept busy...so it took my mind off things...I chose to take lunch myself...I sat alone in the restaurant staring blankly at the sunlight from outside....I couldnt chew my food properly let alone even have the appetite to eat...I felt my eyes becoming heavy yet again....and blurred vision ..I looked down at my food...toyed with it with the fork....then loooked right up...hiding the tears and protecting them from falling...I fought them back and took a deep breath...
I stared yet again outside and I thought of those times...when everything seemed alright...so care free...and at that moment...I felt me pitying myself....I realized apart from the tears due to these events lately that I was so trying to stop from falling...I realized the tears were for myself...

Tears of pity for someone who has to sit alone...playing with his food...reminiscing about the past when there is no one to lean on....being all alone in that very instant...Tears of sorrow for that person...of sympathy...
The kind of tears we shed when we watch sad movies and read romantic novels...
Most of those have happy endings...I realized that my character looked so pitiful sitting in the dark restaurant..that one would want him to be alright...be normal..have a happy ending...

Therefore...who am I kidding....saying that it's better off to be just friends...the truth is....my first day living like that has been nothing short of nice...I feel so alone in this world...my pillar of support has just crumbled in front of me..leaving me all alone....I don't think I can pull off this lie anymore....You might not see it...but you can never be just merely a friend in my eyes...though i 'claim' that you are....I 'feel' that you are much more than that..so much more meaningful to me...

Today has been terrible..I went out with them hoping they could ease the pain...but going back home at night in the dark....the feeling came rushing back..it was really back to reality....

I cannot go on without you my dear friend....you will not know how I felt today....but I am sure deep down inside you -places palm on your heart-... you of all people would understand better...how terrible life can be when you are really alone ...losing someone whom you hold so dear.....

This is only day 1......what about day 2...3...4..?...


I dont know what I want with this post....
























If only you were still around here........


I couldnt provide you with what you would expect of me.,bt i never gave up trying...

TJ

A Calling...

Today..those words killed me deep down inside....I fled the scene...not looking back at all..no hesitation whatsoever...I was adamant on keeping myself busy so that my mind does not drift back towards it...good on me..I managed in the afternoon...

But....I just could not summon up the strength to carry on like this so I took a risk..to break the silent treatment...we talked as usual..there were things on your mind that i guess placed more significance to you...I respect that in you...it seems more serious than our childish antics...

Right before bed...you repeated what you said this morning...it caught my eye straight up and clear in the sms text...we were heading for a new lease in life...this morning...it pierced me straight deep inside...but when i read that message just now....somehow it got me thinking yet again...

i came to a realization...perhaps.. it is better that we go on living like this for awhile...minus the physical contact...minus everything people do when theyre 'in i't...
we should just treat each other as 'just friends'..nothing more and nothing less...and see how it goes from there..

Because....when I am in 'friend mode' everything just disappears...I can be myself...the crazy horny person that people know me...I am in friend mode when we are in others company...that way I feel more comfortable...I get all tensed up when we are all alone...fear that something might happen..fear that I say somehting wrong..When we have company of others..I can be myself...talk selflessly...without caring about what others think...do things the way I want...dream endlessly.laugh crazily...I feel myself and at ease...

I like it that way...I am sure you do too...being yourself....

You still have a special place in my heart alright....so many memories...that we shared....your things...fill my room....our memories together are around my room..I open my eyes to see them...

Things will change...but how important you are to me cannot be questioned...nobody will ever be as good a listener as you..nobody can make me wilt and come running back ..the way you do...I do not care about what I do...my pride....whatever...only you showed me what self esteem meant...

I will still be thinking...of everything...I know deep down..you will too...despite this..we can still see each other....do things together...play our usual badminton....talk..laugh....cry....the main difference is that...we do it our way....talk the way we want...laugh the way we want...do whatever we want....
that would make us more at ease ...

No tears...no regrets...just give and take..

So basically in a nutshell...I guess this is seriously for the better....no hard feelings whatsoever....Im saying this in a mature way...

I shall be interested to see where this takes us in the long run...its late...youre starting class tmrw...its good that youre finally going back to your friends...to do the things you like...hanging out with them...I'm glad for you...all the best in your final 'tough' semester as you would put it...have a blast while youre at it..

Just so you know..I am always right here...should you need a friendly shoulder to lean on...

Sincerely( and I mean sincerely),

TJ...

Two Halves Make 1

A very merry christmas to everyone....I heard something on the radio today by someone knowledgeable....christmas is a time to forgive..to love..to cherish...christmas is a time where we put our sins behind us..and start the new year fresh...

Today while working at the party....I saw before my eyes...so many happy faces...all in the mood for celebration and to usher the new year soon...I asked my self last night...Do I deserve a christmas....well....it would depend how we look at it...I shall not elaborate

I had such an enlightening talk with you last night...no doubt there were 'caps locks here and there'...but the message has been sent across both parties...and at the end...I somehow felt that this is yet another lesson in life...not to take anything for granted..it will just backfire right in your face without you even realizing it..when you do...it will just be a whisker away from evaporating before your eyes...
No doubt amidst the conversation i was sure there was such an expression whereby we would vent out what our heart wants to say...but it was all for a greatest good..
I know that life isnt as simple now that we have taken it to greater heights..

I'm sure you do know what I mean....only we do...
We had a hell of a roller coaster ride and the ride is still ongoing...it only depends on how you appreciate and cherish who your other half is...

This is something that we all take for granted...when we have something...we just tend to treat it like trash...when it is gone only do we start to love...by then...the footsteps have been gone....the tears will go to waste....only the memories which we kept will remain....

So...please.....love life to the fullest...and appreciate what you have....we often do neglect our possessions...and it kicks you really badly when you lose it

So often I have mentioned 2 X 1/2= 1....

but where has one half gone to?....i mean he is physically there but physically not there at the same time...it is that confusing...in actual fact....one half has gone...he has been too ignorant and insensitive to appreciate how lucky he is to be blessed with another half...so there he was...going on with his life blatantly assuming that everything was well...sure the other half put up with it....by then...the second half made him fall into his own trap...a trap full of mirrors....when he looked into them...all he saw was the person he had become....

It had taken him this long to realize this....he had to do it the hard way...and there he was...looking at himself in front of a mirror staring at the image opposite...an image of egoism..and image of ignorance ...an image which is a lie...
There is nothing that can make it all better..he has to retrace his steps and let his heart lead him back to his second half...

With the realization..he finally has the courage...he gets the picture...he has to allow his heart to reunite with the second half...

May they be as one yet again...this very christmas....when we start afresh...
his path has been lit...it only depends on how he takes them....
deep down however..he knows that... the second half will be waiting...with an open heart as well...for him to merge ...till they become 1 again...
Life is short...illness kills...please love while you can...you can be gone the next day....you never know...so dont wait till its too late....remember....cherish ...


Merry christmas to you my dear friend...
I'll bear this in mind : we were 1....we became halves....my half was lost in in blackness...you fished my half out my friend....and now..hopefully may be be 1...

1 Joy
1 US
1 Tale
1 INtimacy
1 Everything

What if...

Things are not always so simple...it is not always a matter of black and white....nowadays..I find myself questioning about things in life...I'm thinking too much about things...the most probable question would be 'what if'...

Believe me..I hate the word 'hakikat and takdir' ...which explains why I cannot understand why you people use these 2 terms...there is no damn such thing as destiny or fate damn it.....do something about your life....dont just say..'I leave it to god'....damn it...it is just so irritating...

Things have not been good lately...I can't sleep peacefully nor concentrate fully at anything without worrying....what if.....Somehow the hype about christmas has not gotten to me yet...I guess this christmas will be a silent one...what more the coming new year...

Honestly...this year has had its ups and downs....it sucks to wake up in the morning having so much to wonder about....ish...

Oh gosh...I just lost my mood to write already..haih...

All I want for christmas is ...

One can only remain upset and disappointed at someone for that long. Yes..I was extremely upset and frustrated for the past 2 days...I just didnt want to give in like I always did...I knew that I was taking a huge gamble...but I had to just stand up for once.

However..that feeling of sheer disappointment has evaporated slowly and gradually....The scars are beginning to heal slowly I hope...Life isn't always our fairytale story...WE have to life with what we have and improvise on it...I can't stand it purposely being so adamant on not giving in. Somehow...when I think back after a long run...I dont blame anyone for this...I just think that we might have overreacted...Me for one not giving in...same goes for you as well my friend.

It made me feel really bad you know...imagining what is going on in your head right now...that we cannot get along like we used to a long time ago...I guess we have each induced an implosion of this relationship with our antics....

Yesterday was pure terrible. The only way I managed to scrape my way through yesterday was the fact that my cousins were around to keep me company...They managed to take my mind off things...I talked to the elder one yesterday about this...apparently she has an even bigger personal problem...however..when she asked me a question ' do you get jealous if I were to hang out with people of your gender' I replied confidently' No'....
She then said that you were a good person then...Somehow...in spite of that black hearted person I was yesterday...it triggered a softer side of me...she was right..you are a good person....I cannot deny that in a million years..!

So...I asked myself...why has this whole time been hell for me or for us?....I concluded that we just shouldnt be too near each other for awhile..and hope that the wounds will patch themselves back without any scars..Then again...I am sure....we both have been scarred really badly....I hope it will serve as a reminder to us...to look after each other well...

Like I once said...I am nobody without my dear friend....I tried to be strong yesterday...I managed it when my cousins were here...but....I found myself teary-eyed in the darkness of the night when I realized I was all alone yesterday..The feeling got even greater when I bade them farewell this afternoon...who was I kidding.....I could never live alone from now on....it'll destroy me...they were somewhat a temporary replacement...but in the long run....you can never be substituted...

During work today...I didnt have the mood to entertain the customers...I hope that they wee not too demanding otherwise I would literally just act sarcastic in front of them...I found myself always checking my phone...running away from my responsibility just to see...if there was something from you that would ease that emptiness...

My heart lifted when you finally replied...i expected a rampage in that one message....but what I got really opened my eyes....it was not what I had expected at all...somehow I guess I managed to calm down a little...
This whole thing has left me so lethargic and tired...it really seeps the energy out of me...I do not want to be a pussy...and act so pathetically in front of you...that must have made things worse...I just want to be myself and just let time carry us through...I hope you would understand how I feel now...

Lastly...I have a confession to make...

The only reason why I didnt drop you a message till so late yesterday was because I purposely didnt carry my phone with me when i went out with my parents yesterday...That would keep me from being anxious ...and also keep me from frequently checking my phone... I left it at home...to stop my compulsions...
I wanted to just channel my thoughts elsewhere...

Someone please show me the light....

Hoping that will be you my dear friend....

I took you in my arms...you took me in yours as well...we walked along a shopping mall..laughing and giggling...telling lame jokes...that very night...we met up at melur as usual..however it was just the both of us..in the midst of that..you looked at me catching my eye...and said.."by tomorow, i shall be alright"...i managed a smile then turned away for a moment...i blinked and looked up at the darkness of the sky..

Little did i know that i was staring at the darkness of my room...it was merely a dream..now i wonder..have i been living a dream this whole while? That reality is not as fantasy like ? Perhaps...i had a hard time falling asleep last night...i really dont want to live a lie...i just want to be normal...i have always accepted you for who you are..and have grown to appreciate you more over the years..my question to you is..cant you do that too?..i cant read your mind...i cannot always be your ideal person..i would be god if i could..


if you cant get what you like..then at least like what you can get...